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NZ Poetry Day 2019

This is a raw and honest take on what chronic illness means and what it’s like to live a life with chronic illness

Plateaued

This is just what you’re like now”

the doctor says with a furrowed brow

as if dizziness, nausea, searing pain

were just an inconvenient stain

“This is how it will be”

his response to my desperate plea

make the shaking slow

fix the numbness so I can grow

“After a year brain injury patients plateau”

this is something I DON’T want to know

my sweet OT (occupational therapist) has tear filled eyes

can’t feed me sugar coated lies

“You must embrace the new you”

a bigger bite than I can chew

I’m still me! I just can’t talk or see

this pain can’t be the new me

“you’ll never be the same”

is there someone I can blame?

I want to scream and punch and cry

if this is it- all that I am- I might just die

“He’s grieving the loss of his wife”

I’m right here in his life!

“you aren’t the version he adored”

so just behead me with that sword

“Everyone gets tired”

I’m like meat long expired

“everyone sometimes forgets”

like calling napalm night sweats

“Be thankful it isn’t worse”

hope you’re run over by my hearse

“wasn’t meant to be”

sure hide behind “just world theory”

“You are so brave”

only other choice is the grave

“You inspire us all”

when I can’t walk I crawl!

“Acceptance is key to happiness”

**** you and this nastiness

I’m never going to think this is enough

I’m so tired of playing tough

I can’t do this

give me one last kiss

Cradle me in strong arms

trick me with your charms

smother me with a pillow

you will be my hero

“You must embrace the new you”

“a bigger bite than I can chew

I’m still me! I just can’t talk or see

this pain can’t be the new me “

This part made me look back and reflect on how I was feeling, I was in denial and was not given the chance to stop and think about how my diagnosis of Lupus was going to affect my life.

“ I can’t do this

give me one last kiss

Cradle me in strong arms

trick me with your charms

smother me with a pillow

you will be my hero”

There have been many times where I wish that I would die, the pain just gets too overwhelming, I become very vulnerable, and feel lonely when I am sick

-By Aphasiana

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